I’m feeling fucking horrible because I behaved (as my ever condescending conscience would eternally remind me) real bad out of losing my temper at someone I do care about. I do want to justify and defend myself but I know that I am never able to compete with myself listing out all my own faults real and imaginary as being deserving of more severe hatred and loathing than those of the other person. I have been so conditioned to find my own faults as way worse than anyone else’s.

There’s something I’m not doing right every single time and I’m fucking tired of not getting wiser with each experience either. So much for giving a fuck about people’s every single fucking thing. Why does an introvert have this stupid fucking idea that he needs to fucking socialize. It just brings a fuck-ton of judgment on oneself. Who the fuck needs that? Honestly I dunno and I couldn’t fucking care less…but I wish it just becomes that easy.
I’ve been burned so often trying to reach out to people I thought as could be friends that not only do I not know how to be a better me (for the sake of others) but I also do not know what friends really are and what do you call those whom you can trust on having your back and not go mia or turn to one syllable answer bots when it’s fucking convenient for them.

Wonder why it is so hard to get back to my former self. Probably need to be self employed for that.

It is kinda true that I actually don’t give a fuck about you if I haven’t made you hate my guts with the help of my temper.

I am sorry but neither do you give a fuck and honestly nor do I have a fucking clue what for

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i love helping my juniors but more importantly i love receiving that gratitude which makes my heart grow fonder of them and then messes up the whole experience where they don’t really want to reciprocate that much. i mean be nice and helpful and then fuck off. so i really need to curb my enthusiasm on seeing someone getting their work done on my dime and my time when i help them and not really expect a big payday of good conversations in the future because they really don’t want you to be that much a part of their lives as their work that gets blocked and hopefully their nice behavior and ample expression of gratitude would get you off their backs as easily as they would come back to leech on you.read through the lies DP! they don’t deserve the help you give to hope for the joy they never want you to have.don’t break your own concentration and focus on your own work to really help them as they seem like they are stuck but they just know you would give in to your temptation to help them as soon as you see them fumbling. and to be honest it’s a bit proud ass of you to think that you want to take all opportunities to be seen as someone who needs to be seen as knowing everything or as much as you can at every opportunity. i am sick of you being so masochist (thanks K for teaching me that). Value, what you have. you are no more part of a free software community. money and not knowledge is the currency you are exchanging here and you better get something back in returns from those ungrateful people who think a fucking thank you is enough.it is a wonderful philosophy that you grew up with thankfully among a community of the most wonderful and like minded people but don’t let that nature be your downfall in the professional world where you need to look out for yourself and watch your own back. what you have learnt on your own and spent years practicing to recall at the drop of a hat is for you to appreciate and value like something really precious. you don’t hand out your precious possessions just like that, now do you? so get smart and don’t be such a pushover to just spill out all you know at the slightest of someone’s pretending to be in any kind of difficulty or more so at the hint of it.let people figure out things on their own. they are neither on the newsgroups or irc channels that you need to jump in to be helpful and be recognized. let them prove their worth on their own and not be reap off the benefits of you trying to be helpful and losing focus on your own work. it is okay to begin the next day without doing any work of your own, totally fine. but enough of willingly and proactively helping others. take your time to respond and finish your own work first. i don’t give a fuck as to whose work gets delayed because of you not helping others unless it is someone who matter in terms of the continuation of your employment.let’s take this one step at a time. remember and remember well, “helping others is extremely unproductive and it does not help advance your career or get you recognition for the responsibilities that you are committed to at all”. you are a mentor but it is time for you to do the mentoring in a passive way.let people come to you and you decide if they should need the help or get out of their situations on their own.


23Jul17

Why do I need to give you an answer? Why do you have to care so much about why I don’t care about socializing with you? Why so much concern for someone not opting for your company or your choice. Why would I take interest in a group where people want to be friendly but not friends? I never forget. I never forgive. Let others burn in the aftermath. I don’t need your stupid get togethers to open up. You don’t deserve to know me. And I don’t care about your issues any second beyond what I’ve to bear with. There’s no middle ground. I tried being my best and now I’m pushed to be at my worst. I’ll put up that mask everytime that misleads you to think that I care even the tiniest bit to waste any more time than I absolutely need to. Betrayal will be paid back in kind.. multiplied.

Never ever ask the same damn thing again. Because next time, if ever there’s one…I’ll not be as nice as last time. And it won’t matter where it would happen.

 

 


After a recommendation from a colleague, got down to watching this movie that was equal parts troublesome and equal parts positive outcome reinforcement. Obviously the title of the movie sets the basic premise of where the major pat of the movie would be shot (or so I thought). I was comparing the flow with that of the movie ‘Buried’ (2010) which had Ryan Reynolds remain stuck in the coffin like enclosure with no positive outcome at all. Extremely difficult to see it through till the end and then some worse.  Movies on the theme of complete captivity for several years have often come about and it’s always been the exit as the final goal or how seriously the whole experience had messed up the minds of those held captive for years with no contact with the outside world. Comparatively, ‘The Room’, induces the right amount of psychological discomfort and a pleasant twist on the expectations of further negativity.   Continue reading ‘The Room (2015) (how it was like to me aka Review)’


Are you listening? Are you reading? Are you … lost? Ah, that sounds a lot like me, trying to find my way around this dark distraction free writing tool. In a sea of darkness within and without my mind, the distraction and the focus have blended as one. It’s the tangle that’s just mixed up into one single full screen of ondhokar, no maze lines to trace my way in or out of it. Some of it I intend to remain this obscured and some of it I need to make sense out of. You may know of writer’s block that an empty piece of paper can trigger. I’m not a writer (I’d be out of a job anyway with this horribly slow rate of writing) but even expressions don’t just occur in nice English sentences. They would be like road wrecks of midway collisions of countless number of thoughts or just tho__’s (that is incomplete thoughts for those without imagination).

So what can I talk about today if I’m blinded and gagged by this morose darkness? What do I feel you need to know and what do I feel I need to tell? Are they the same or are they different? Will I tell anything at all or will I just keep asking? Will I have only thoughts to be confined in the prison that’s my mind or will I tell about all the new things I learnt of and write it down like a journal that’d be just of as much as interest as merely knowing that I did take the trouble to write something on this day?

Is it important to write what I consider a standard size blog post, filling it up with what I maybe currently working on or learning about on the Internet or the real world or is it just enough to just write random stuff that is the chaos in my head and try justifying it as a post (coz I fucking said so). Here goes nothing, (yea finally! right?)
Continue reading ‘Hello Me, What’s Up’


I do wish a lot of times, my laptop had the resources AND more importantly the requisite drivers needed to run a 3d desktop like Cinnamon or (ugh) Unity. They have been around for like quite a few years, but my laptop has been around even longer. When I think about it, I really can’t put a finger on why exactly am I so attached to this first laptop of mine. Well, let’s see:

  1. Got it for free from my parents. Still works, so why not.
  2. Has always managed to bounce back up.
    1. Screen stopped coming back on.
    2. Won’t start because it got too hot.
    3. Wrong driver disabled WiFi and sent machine into kernel panic
    4. Tons more kernel panics.
  3. Can see the latest movies (VLC) and browse with the latest (and safest) browser (Firefox 39)
  4. Helps me with my WfH option without having to lug the equally heavy Dell laptop from office.
  5. Has allowed me to avoid any kind of official tech support for it, for like forever.
  6. Tests my patience…oh no no, not that one. I mean it teaches me patience. Hints me to explore real world.

Continue reading ‘8 years of my Inspiron 1501: Still Alive…and Dell’


Push…harder

08Jun15

Sad excuse of a post, but this is what I am getting started with. No no restarting. I’m not familiar with that. Don’t remember any such concept. 😉

There are producers and there are consumers of content but now there are curators of content and curators of curators of content. Making consuming a lot of content and my time very very easy and making writing boring stuff very very difficut to really gather traction.

That’s the stuff I can only come up with and that never helped me in the past. There is a feeling of uncertainty when trying to blog in today’s time without trying to consume the whole of internet…or reddit frontpage. This is also the first time I am writing using the wordpress website itself. Not focussing in a distraction free editor right now. All that JDarkRoom would remind with its environment is something I’ll leave for others to deal with. Yea me selfish! Muhuhahaha (Kinda more funny than Muhahaha)

Talking about life is again so blah! Need to take some time and think what about it I may or may not talk about. For now it’s a good thing I did feel like writing again. Not that I’d care if this got lost or something. I’ll probably write better next time.

Before shutting up, I guess I can quickly point out that of the 7 add-ons active in my browser (Firefox, of course), 5 are security/privacy focused and the rest two are for content capture. Some of them I’d like to talk about soon. Though I know a hundred things (maybe a little…more than a little…less) that are trying to blast through my mind. But I need to save some for next time, but damn remembering stuff is so hard! At least this is a topic where the content is always staring me in the face and I’m constantly thanking that.

So how have you been? More importantly have you ever lost track of blogging and then got back to it once or more than once? What did you write about? What worked for you? Begging for inspirations despirately I suppose. :p

p.s. Don’t ask about the title. No that didn’t occur to me on the throne. Just the voice in my head that I just imagine is in the act of pushing me off my state of inertia with regards to writing content on my blog. Hoping this again is not the only post of the year. Annual blog existence reminder post.