Never have I been in a storm within my mind and suffered through my whole being within. I’m glad I can make and unmake the choices I make and unmake because of no dependents. And the powers that govern/employ us are so very much to blame for this.  No one will ever be forthcoming about those details that they intend to force us to handover.

To be honest, I quit Twitter when I’d to give up standing against enrolling for ShamID. It was no longer an option with it being forced upon us for filling tax returns and defying it would have caused some, who depended on me, in problem… or so I’m convinced. That and the fact that Twitter had started behaving more like the powerful centralized entity it had become in collusion with state powers.

As I’m writing this in the morning at a time when I’ve usually hardly ever woken up, just letting this out and putting it down feels as nice as the warm sun on my face (right now) 😊

I mean how else would I be having the my hesitation, to express my stand against something powerful, inhibited if not without Metallica playing in my earbuds from
http://stream.open.fm/62

I hope to write individual posts about the other centralized services I left on the Internet. The reasons are most relatable to myself and my mindset than anyone else. You’ll probably find yours too.


There are drafts of thoughts that meh’d away, but this is one of those firsts of my life. I guess I just went for it because I really needed to know the cause of a really bad pain in my lower right side that just makes it painful to walk while clutching my aching butt like, “My Preciousss!!”

So I dunno if you ever had to go into an MRI machine but it’s not an easy thing at all, typically if you are quite fidgety like me. The longest twenty (as per the MRI technologist) minutes that I didn’t have a single second of idleness in my mind. And that’s besides the children’s toy gun sounds played insanely loud all through the full body scanning (the entire spine… Biologically, am not spineless!).

This is just an unfiltered as it happened and as best as I can recollect (with medicine induced drowsiness) flow of how I ended up using that whole time I was in the closed Philips machine.

  1. Immediately when I’m rolled into the conTRAPtion, the close to your nose opaque upper part really makes the breath shorter in an anticipation of panic. I looked further up, and they have the rear see-through, so like, “hi! MRI techie… Yeah, let’s do this! (let’s skip this please!)
  2. I kept my eyes closed almost entirely. I’d open half or one eye just to see the portion of the opaque part that I was rolled to at that point. Ah! still so close! *shuts eyes*
  3. It’s undeniable that the closeness with those shrill noises would be more than just uncomfortable and it would have been, if not for keeping my eyes closed. The world in my head was not limited by the boundaries of the solid MRI scanning machine.
  4. I can’t recollect (or probably too embarrassed  to) all the thoughts and imaginations that went in my head but in general,
    1. I was playing my computer video game…and cheating the fuck out of it!
    2. Some of the MRI sounds were quite groovy and I probably moved more than I should have. I was told I messed up first two sequences. Good thing it wasn’t my brain scan (they didn’t check if I had one)
    3. I also have the habit of imagining conversations (because this was taking really long, and I float far away quite fast)  and it’s just natural for me to be expressing myself with *head* movements. I recall like immediately feeling guilty of slightly flinching the head.
  5. In my existing reality, I was gulping a lot (like the “uh-oh…*gulp*”) and then I was taking these long breaths with my mouth closed. Perhaps I was thinking me opening mouth and moving jaws would really make me stay in there for another hour or whatever.  I was lucky my breath filled giant belly wasn’t like ripping/exploding the Philips machine into half.
  6. It was really hot in the confined space compared to the really cold AC right outside the machine.
  7. If I had gone a day before, I’d have probably ruined my MRI with my constant sneezing (which could have put up some nice graffiti…the insides of a MRI machine does need some cool graphics… “Yahan Peshaab Karna Mana Hai” for that Indian touch). Thankfully I didn’t yawn either… Never a dull moment in my imaginary world.
  8. There were even a few times, when I just itched like near my forehead or something and it felt like I moved my hand from keeping them down by my side to my forehead in a flash… It felt like I attended to my discomfort but my hand had not moved at all…not even possible without  some contortion practice.

It was a long wait, but I never really waited for it to get over, because that would have not let me experience all those things above and be conscious about them. I got asked in between about how I was doing and I took a chance to find out that I had 8 minutes left (it felt like eternity Season 2 but getting down to single digit felt like a good milestone as well)

Oh btw, do tie the loose clothes they give really well. They’ll stay on just fine when you’re lying still and straight inside but then when you get up to leave…

 


My thoughts have gone silent like me. I can listen to the world outside. I can say what the world wants to listen. I don’t feel like making myself heard. The posts written like more than a decade back really surprise me now that it was possible to be that carefree then. I give a fuck now but fuck knows why.

Anyway, how have your new years begun so far? What dreams have you set your eyes and mind on? My only reason to look forward to new year’s day is to set resolutions damn easy to enforce from day 1. But quite the challenge in the weeks to follow.

My resolutions typically revolve around not doing something. This time, it was focused around not being on social media, or as is the case, these days… Not being social. This started though from the end of last year. I dropped off Twitter, Snapchat (what was I even doing there), Instagram and finally WhatsApp on new year’s day. In a very selfish way, yes, my friends and family and warnings of low battery nag me much lesser now. I have kept telegram and signal but some have kept to themselves lamenting how I’m missing out on all their WhatsApp forwards. Some of them, I left because they belonged to a disease called Facebook. Some others I had to pull myself away from the mindless activity of endless scrolling. You know that helpless feeling of being sucked into a time sink where you scroll down hoping to find your friend’s post but the algorithm keeps bubbling up something it knows you’ll want to see more immediately than your friend’s photo with 1010 words caption.

Not everything falls into place. As I said, communications get sparse when you drop out of the most popular (and unbeknownst to them, most vulnerable) walled gardens. You end up using pre Internet era technology like actual phone calls and sms. The other party also begrudgingly obliges and describes their latest photography limited by the megapixels of your imagination. However, besides the vacuum between you and the world, there’s another phenomenon i caught myself in. Not only have there been a great reduction in notifications due to the removed apps, but I’ve turned off notifications on the existing apps and swapped some apps for PWAs (Progressive Web Apps). I realized in a few days that my phone just doesn’t seek my attention at all. I don’t get any pings and dings to remind me to look at the phone or by which the phone tells me okay open this app and look at this thing or act on that thing. Most people glued to their phone are constantly receiving new pings and data for them to interact with. Ideally, the device then becomes a perfect platform for distraction free tasks such as reading and writing in long form. But no, I’d rather play doodle cricket or scroll through 9gag.

It’s certainly nice to feel that disconnecting myself from privacy fucked bitterly offended dumbfucks gives me a vast amount of mental peace but it’s like the world is busy being noisy and I’m listening as my thoughts have gone silent.


fuck context. I have been back in my own home (the one with my folks and not the one that I ‘own’) for the longest vacation of 2 months (by coming Friday) which of course is like less than a weekend off when compared to how many decades I stayed with my folks (If not the tech of other Asians, at least we got the culture of living with parents). I did a major lot of sleeping…at all the wrong hours possible. My brain used to sleep at night and I used to sleep in the day. It was quite a routine.And for the days I was more functional than a home food hogger, I drove myself out to be outside food hogger (and parceller…more on that hopefully soon).

Now obviously neither is this a travelogue/travel blog/trlog etc., nor am I gonna be interested in sparing my site for that. There’s not much to the ordering and eating part as maybe the things that have happened around it. So in the initial days, even like up to the first month, I wasn’t even planning on ending the vacation (have you seen the taxes for earning more in India?). I was like, “will try to get up tomorrow early enough to check out another place for lunch.” Lunch usually coz driving the car for dinner was damn scary with rain and mud mucking up the little visibility that I got. Though I did make exceptions. Never reservations though. Was surprise visitor….was “surprised visitor” also once.

One major part of the experience was the drive or rather “reaching commercially developed civilization”, which is a minimum of 30kms and went up to almost 50kms. Anything closer was a compromise that I agreed for fair coverage. Now given the rains and thankfully the initial days of using the relatively good 4G data on the phone, I had been playing songs streamed off the net while also following directions from Google Maps and GPS. That’s a whole lot of data and decent bandwidth on a handheld device that I wasn’t getting on my older device. Now I took to Google Maps simply to try out a different tool now that I can clearly see that the data speeds are good and stable. Also here’s a gist of my experience of OSMAnd+ the paid version of OSMAnd which allowed storing as many maps and updates that I needed:
“Your GPS signal is lost” // would never mention when it got restored
“The distance to your destination is X km”…………………………….”You have reached your destination” (I don’t even get any recognition for my achievement).
There are things that are ridiculous about Google Maps besides the good part about being more accurate, actually knowing landmarks by name and having a minimal set of reviews, photos, etc.
In the last few outings, now with the fiber optic connection at home, it has been much easy to simply cache the songs I love the most and listen to the most. I mean those are anyways the tracks that would be any time an awesome listen, even when poor data connectivity tries to ruin my day and me be like, “Fortune, Fame, Mirror, Vain, Gone insane, but The Memory…” (no, it’s not buffering!)

So this bit about parcelling, maybe it might sound like spluging a little extra and some days, it indeed was, but I was placing order for an extra set of dishes, sometimes from among the dishes I tried and absolutely liked and/or sometimes, from other parts of the menu. The reason is very simple, besides extending my palate’s experience for a second (or even third meal, if rationed properly). These places that I went to, especially the very famous or very special ones, by nature of location of my folks’ residence are quite a long long distance away and it is indeed difficult for them to get up and get ready to sit and go that far to take the risk of enjoying a meal at a place none of us have tried before but only heard great reviews about it. Happens when you are residents of a touristy place. That and some just don’t like being outside for food, not being given food at fixed time and in general let their grumpiness at above situations mar the whole experience. So the food comes home, people peacefully enjoy it at their own pace and environment and it is a much better alternative to thinking that I could enjoy an outing experience with them.

Most places given that I was visiting on weekdays made it easy to get the absolute best seats (sea facing, AC facing, TV facing with TV channel of my choice, you name it, I face it…not the toilet though) with enough space around me for my ever expanding frame to not feel crowded. What else? Let’s not drag this down to its grave.


and i am pissed but i am helpless like so many others. many who have accepted their fate and many who have changed their mindset to join the oppressors.

ok enough of the news that is. i just got pissed off currently by how i3 being all spartan and all can be such a fucking pain in the ass to get bluetooth working. i have installed this on a peppermint install. peppermint comes with a lightweight xfwm which is like xfce but kinda stripped down to just the wm and i think a panel from lxde or something. the default desktop is obviously fabulous except that i am not used to as much dependency on the mouse movement. I’d love to go back to it if I could find where they hide the settings for changing the keyboard shortcuts for switching workspaces. When I’m strafing and shooting in a game, I press Ctrl and Alt together quite often and often I see I have switched to an other desktop while I get my ass beaten in the game.
Always a good thing to at least have xfce alongside of i3 because it’s got these bunch of neat little tools that help add some necessary features to i3. you have xfce-power-manager which helps show notifications for when battery is full or going low. It also puts your computer to sleep or hibernate/shutdown when it reaches real low battery level. You just use i3 and if you don’t use a power manager while running your laptop on battery, it won’t even tell you and fucking drop dead (tired). The other xfce app that is really a saviour when the dmenu is useless unless you are knowledgeable enough as to what the commandline word is for the program you want to launch. That and when you really don’t want to discover what else your distro comes with. In contrast xfce has this thing called xfce4-appfinder. i barely remember to type in ‘finde’ in dmenu to get it). if you use peppermint, you will be aware of a concept called SSB (Site Specific Browser) which they use something called ICE to create. Now on dmenu, there is just no way to launch these apps that on other DEs get neatly sorted into menus and all. So xfce4-appfinder helps me launch these single window web applications. I don’t even have volumeicon because xfwm4 comes with its own panel applet and didn’t bother on a lightweight distro like peppermint for lighter window managers.
come to think of it i have already forgotten what a fuck load of bs steps i had to do to get the jbl speakers paired and connected. i learnt about bluetoothctl…because obviously i3 users need to get into the terminal and console apps more because it is unimaginable that they would want to save all that precious system resources by using a lightweight wm to launch GUI apps. I could see the behind the scenes events that happened as I interacted with blueman-manager. It discovered the device, paired as well but couldn’t connect. I mean what’s the fucking problem? What does bluetoothctl show? Connected: Yes and a second later Connected: No. Why the fuck? I had to get moving between the laptop and the speaker, trying to switch off/on the speaker, trying to start/restart the device discovery and crossing my fingers at the same time. On xfce/xfwm..? The device is ready to go right as it turns on. Aggressive to a fault. Fault that, if the computer is sleeping it will wake up just to make sure the device is paired and connected with the laptop. Even Windows isn’t that wild. despite marking the device as trusted. i had to remove it from blueman-manager and start from scratch.

also why can’t pavucontrol can’t preserve the volume level for app specific volume control if I set it above what it was initialized to? (usually 100%). So if I set it to 115% and then maybe pause, or advance or rewind the video a bit, the volume gets back to 100% (or whatever it was earlier) and then suddenly it is jarring to feel the drop in the volume.




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